09/01/04

We held your service Daddy read you your favorite book "Guess How Much I Love You?" for the last time - you used to bounce around inside Mummy's belly whenever Daddy read this to you - it seemed to be the only book you reacted in this way to! An excerpt from "Fly" the Celine Dion song lyrics and a small poem we wrote slightly adapted from another Mummy found online. We are so scared - We don't want to say goodbye but we know we have to. Mummy and Daddy's hearts broke today, it was the most difficult thing we have ever had to do. Your coffin was so small - just like a shoebox. It was beautiful though - very simple, white with a small engraved plaque on which said "Baby Thomas Dixon".

STROMNESS
9TH JANUARY 2004 11:00am
Stillborn On New Years Day 2004 - 31 ¼ weeks gestation

" Now we see through a glass darkly, but then we will see face to face. Now we know only in part, but then we will know fully, even as we have been fully known."

What should have been a time of joyful preparation has become a time of almost unbearable sadness. Hearts that were full of hope, hands that were busy hang idle and seemingly useless and happiness has been replaced by bitter disappointment. The long hours of darkness weigh heavily and a sense of numbness threatens to engulf us.
Take heart, for the light is not extinguished - it glimmers in the not to distant future, around a hidden corner, to guide you by its promise, to warm you with its love, and to heal you with its gentle touch. You will arise, and raise your heads, and walk again the path that beckons, leading you from now to then, from darkest midnight to a brightening dawn, in the company of those who have suffered the pain you suffer, and who reach out to you in spirit to comfort you, all upheld by the one who can make all things new.

A poem which pledges remembrance - FLY

FLY

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But we won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light


Magnus will read Thomas's favorite story, called "GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU"

Isaish said of Christ's' coming… "Like a shepherd he will tend to his flock He will gather the lambs in his arms And carry them in his bosom". In the strength and comfort of these words, let us commend to god the short life and tender soul of this child…
Unseen by us, but growing in your sight, formed in your image and knit together in his mother's womb, Thomas was loved and known by you, O God, and to your never wearying arms and his eternal home we now entrust him. Assure us that in your safe keeping will endure the love that binds him to his earthly parents, until such a time as they shall see and know him face to face. Comfort them with your concern and care, Surround them with your presence, Encircle them with your love, Protect and uphold them with your power And fill them with your grace, Now and always.

Committal

Into the ground which is hallowed to receive him, We commit the body of baby Thomas, Taking strength in the promises of Christ, That though lost to us in this lifetime, Not one little one is lost to him, But all are gathered in and raised with him To the light and peace of Gods nearer presence. In time, may you know again the peace of God, And find yourselves richly blessed by him. Amen.

FOR
THOMAS

In a baby castle just beyond our eye
our baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy
who are we to wish you back into this world of strife?
No Thomas, play on baby You have eternal life.

At night when all is silent
And sleep forsakes our eyes
We hear your tiny breathing
As you lie by our side
Your little hands caress us
So tenderly and sweet
We'll whisper a prayer and close our eyes

And embrace you in our sleep.

(c) Doris Stokes

View from the Graveyard - looking out towards 'Hoy'

View from the Graveyard - looking out towards 'Hoy'
A Beautiful sky

20/01/04

Mummy had a very vivid and strangely comforting dream last night - she was walking through a huge valley, every inch of which was covered with the most colorful and bright Pansies she has ever seen. There were very steep hills and drops in the landscape which made Mummy feel very small and lost yet intruiged by the vibrancy all around her. The warmth she could feel - like the sun shining on her face. She saw a figure in the distance and walked towards this person, as she got nearer she realised it was Ingrid *- and she was holding you Thomas. She was trying to tell Mummy something - her lips were moving but no words could be heard but it looked very much like she was saying "He's safe" - then your Mummy woke up and with every inch of her being wished she hadn't.

I know you are safe Thomas and I am now sure that Ingrid is looking after you.

We put your website online last night and have received some really good feedback from it - especially from ' SG ' - I am so pleased I found that place - the people there are so special and are really helping your Mummy feel that we are not alone in our grief.

( * My dearest friend Ingrid lost her battle against Breast Cancer on the 29th November 2003. She was only 25 years old. )

22/01/04

Today I am thinking about a little baby boy called ' Nicholas James Bell ' - I was incredibly touched by a e-mail I received from his Mummy, Julie yesterday. Nicholas would have been two years old today and I know it will be a very sad day for his parents. Julie offered to send me a baby book that was published for those who have had a stillborn baby. It is just like a regular baby book with areas for the ultrasound, what the world is like today, about your pregnancy, but then it goes on with pages regarding your loss. It has pages to record when you found out about the loss, saying good-bye, what it was like leaving the hospital, grandparent's sorrow, what we are doing now to remember our lost baby, memorials created...She offered to send us this book as a gift in memory of their son, Nicholas.

I wrote a poem today very much inspired by this gift but also by the overwhelming kindness we have found among so many others who have suffered a similar loss in their lives.

' Comfort In The Arms Of Strangers '

Both Daddy and I are just completely overwhelmed by how kind people have been within the community, our friends, family and strangers. We don't know how to thank them enough for their cards, flowers, gifts, phonecalls, letters etc. We have put an acknowledgment into next weeks local paper as we feel that we have to thank them in some way. For those that visit the site

"Thankyou for everything -
your continuing support and words
of advise and comfort,

it means a great deal to us both"

24/01/04

26/01/04

30/01/04

Barbara visited your grave today and laid some things on it - a poem that Jim had written, some flowers and she even built a snowman for you.

31/01/04

We were very touched by the beautiful poem that Jim wrote for you and the gifts that Barbara left on your grave - they have been so kind to us. We love that people visit you.

01/02/04

Your Granda has carved an absolutely beautiful Hare for you 'Thomas' - Mummy and Daddy were so moved by this gift - it is very very special.

04/02/04

Mummy went for the 'LUPUS' test today to make sure that I don't have a blood clotting disorder which could have lead to the 'Placental Insufficiency'.

09/02/04

14/02/04

"Happy Valentines Day Thomas" - thinking about you every day baby

Love

Mummy & Daddy

XXX

Golden slumbers kiss your eyes
Smiles await you as you rise,
Sleep little darling Do not cry
and I will sing you a lullaby.

15/02/04

We have been overwhelmed by the support we have received within our community - we have received so many cards, flowers, gifts and words of comfort. Thankyou so much to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts.



20/02/04

Parents: Fiona & Simon
Angel: Joshua James Beavan
Weight: 7 lb 1 oz
Born: on 16th September 2003 @ 1:30 a.m.
Died: Friday 19th September 2003 (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and Supracardiac Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Drainage.)

Other Children: Luke, Bella, Jonathan, Susie, Martha, Miriam, and Abigail

Fiona sent a beautiful card today:

Dear Vicky,
Just a little gift to remind you of your precious son Thomas and a little baby gift to say - congratulations, you are a mummy. Thomas must be so proud of you and all the lovely things you have done.

With my love and thoughts,

Fiona
XXX


Along with a small porcelain Angel with 'Thomas' written on the front.

I visited Fionas' beautiful memorial site for Little 'Joshy'
and left a message in her guestbook, she then visited this website and left a message in Thomas's guestbook. We have since been in contact regularly through email and she has been such a fantastic support. She really is one in a million - Thankyou Fiona for everything.

Lots of Love

Vicky
XXX

20/02/04

We had our appointment with the consultant yesterday at 4pm. We went prepared with a list of questions, mostly about 'Placental Insufficiency' as after the preliminary post mortem our doctor had told us that it was an insufficient Placenta that had been the cause of Thomas's death. We therefore weren't at all prepared for what we would be told. 'Placental Insufficiency' was not apparently the cause of his death. They found from the full post mortem that Thomas had two major abnormalities in his organs, one being the cause of the other. A Cardiac Malformation was the main defect - his Atrial, top two chambers of his heart were very enlarged, and there was also a hole in his heart. This abnormality had caused his blood to flow the wrong way, which had resulted in his lungs not receiving the blood supply they needed causing Hypoplasia (under development of the lungs and collapse). We were told that this was not a genetic defect but that there is a very small chance of recurrence in a future pregnancy although unlikely to result in the loss of a future baby. We were also told that there was no way Thomas would ever have survived, even if I had gone to full term - his lungs were too underdeveloped and he would not have been able to breathe. The 'Placental Insufficiency' that we had been told of was purely speculation as Thomas had suffered from IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Retardation), he was the size of a 28-week-old gestation; he was born at 31 ¼ weeks. This seemed therefore to be the most obvious cause.

We feel very confused - there is very little news that comforts you at a time like this but we know that had it been a problem with the placenta it would have been easier to monitor in a future pregnancy. With the heart defect it will be more complicated as they can't always detect heart malformations using scans. We have been told that if a problem with the heart recurs in another pregnancy it would be unlikely they could detect it any time before 30 weeks.

We now have to rely on faith that this won't happen again, we have to believe that this can't happen again otherwise we will never be able to move on. We know we will need a lot of support emotionally during another but how do you announce a pregnancy as joyfully as others can when we know we will be terrified that something may go wrong again.

Is hope enough?

28/02/04

In Loving Memory...Personal Memorial:

We have added a form to the site as there is a lot of space down the right columns of the site on many of the pages and we would like to use this space as Memorial Walls. Click on any of the memorial form banners - they are now on every page and fill in the form. A memorial will soon appear on the site for your lost little one. Short Poems, verse and brief comments are welcomed here. It is never too late to include your baby(s) / child's dedication on this memorial Wall - if you happen to stumble upon this site and you have suffered the loss of a child, be it yesterday or 20 years ago, you and your baby(s) are welcome here. This can be a special place for gentle memories. We know as parents having suffered such loss we will always carry our little ones wherever we go - they will be with us always, in our hearts and minds. We will put your memorial on the site within two weeks after we receive it.

NOTE: Due to limited space we cannot include any images
these memorials are text only.

Sorry!


Please visit again.

Love

Vicky and Magnus xXx

29/02/04

It's you due date today Thomas, how different this time should / would have been. We would have been filled with so much joy and anticipation of what the future would have held. These past few weeks have been the most difficult in our lives' - that day we were told we had lost you, Mummy felt like she was dying inside. The pain was so sharp and the constant ache she carries with her and feels she always will, remains.

We will be visiting you grave today, we should be welcoming you into our lives. Would you have arrived today, or late or early, would you be with us now? You are in so many other ways. I often think about where we would have been right now if...........

Thomas, know that we will always love you, you will never be forgotten and you have opened our lives and minds to so much. We are not the same, we now know a love exists deeper that any feeling we knew.

All our Love
(Guess how much we love you?..............
To the moon and back!!)


Mummy and Daddy xXx

The Tide Recedes


The tide recedes, But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down, But gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops, And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes,
Something beautiful remains.

- Author Unknown -

Our friends Koulla and Mark sent us a beautiful engraved keepsake and a HUGE bunch of flowers for Thomas's due date - we were really touched by this.

" Thankyou Koulla and Mark "

21/03/04

Thomas,

Today is Mothers Day. A difficult day for me when I have a head filled of thoughts about what could have been. My arms ache to hold you and my heart aches knowing I never will in this lifetime. Reminders everywhere of what today is - in the shops, on the TV, when I pick up the phone to wish my mum a Happy Mothers Day. I am so sad Thomas, so sad and so frustrated - I just want you here with me so much it hurts. Know that though you are not with me physically you will always be with me, deep in my heart, I will never forget you, ever. You have touched my life in ways you will never know.

Love you baby

Mummy

xXx


I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.
I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.
The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.
I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all the others.
I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
They avoid me now, which adds to my tears.
I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.
And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

Author Unknown

01/05/04

My darling precious Thomas,

It has been five months since that awful day I gave birth to you knowing I would never hold you in my arms, look into your sparkling eyes and tell you how much I love you.

Time seems to have gone by so fast and the beginning of this year all feels so far away now, yet so clear in my mind - I can remember every passing minute as if they were hours. It all feels like it was a horrible nightmare and I can hardly believe that your Daddy and I are here, five months on getting through each day, living life without you.

It seems like so much has changed since then and although we may seem fine to others, inside we still carry the constant ache, we still think about you every day, we still cry for you at night and we know that we will never forget you. You will always be our baby boy and we are so very proud of you.

Love you to the moon......and back.

All my love

Mummy

10/07/04

As those of you visiting this site will already know we lost our precious baby boy Thomas on New Years Day 2004. He was born still at 31 ¼ weeks’ gestation; we have since discovered that he had a congenital heart defect and very hypoplastic lungs. I can honestly say that the day we discovered we had lost our baby was the most difficult and unbearably sad day of my life.

Along with my husband Magnus, and Fionas’ input on content we have designed and created a website for Joshuas' Boxes, a charity that hopes to be able to provide as many ways as they can for parents to create precious memories of their lost babies. These include a beautiful Memory Box, filled with a blanket, hat, teddy bear, plastic wallet, little box, single use camera, a list of essential photos to take and information about useful web sites and helplines.

As many couples are who have lost babies, we are filled with regret of how few mementos we have left to cherish of our baby boy. Those that we do have we will hold close to our hearts forever but we feel so sad that we do not even have a photograph that we can show to family and friends as the photos that were taken of Thomas on that horrible day were taken too late and he had deteriorated a lot. These photos are very distressing to look at and we know we will never share them with anyone. My husband saw Thomas when he was born, only very briefly before the midwife carried him away. Unfortunately I did not see my precious little boy, nor did I hold him, partly due to shock but also we were not prepared for how much he would deteriorate in such a short space of time.

We have many memories of our time spent with Thomas when I was pregnant, which are all documented on here on his website however, we do feel that had we been made more aware of how important physical mementos of our baby would be for us in the days, weeks, months and years that followed his death we know we would have gathered as much as we could. I turned to the Internet for support in those days when I knew I needed to find others who had experienced the same sadness, people who would truly understand how I felt. This is how I met Fiona; she has been a gift and has been there for me when others couldn’t. I feel that this charity will become an invaluable source of support and comfort for many others who may lose their babies and hope that these memory boxes help those families gather those precious mementos that they will go on to cherish for the rest of their lives.

Wishing you lots of luck Fiona for 'Joshuas Boxes', I hope that your charity will touch many people and go from strength to strength.

Joshuas' Boxes was created in memory of Joshua James Beavan who was born in September 2003. Sadly, Joshua was found to be suffering from a rare and devastating heart complaint called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and another major defect called Supra Cardiac Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Drainage which meant he lost his fight four days later when he passed away. You can visit Joshua and read his story by visiting his website.

25th August 2004

Dearest Thomas,

it was your Mummy and Daddys' 3rd wedding anniversary today - a time when we should be rejoicing our married time together and enjoying the first months of your life, your first smile, you would have been almost 6 months old had you been born on your due date, the 29th February. Instead we spent it reflecting how much sadness has been in our lives this past year. In the short time that we have been married we have had to deal with so much more than we had ever imagined would lay ahead of us. I look back on those days we spent together, our wedding day, and those first and second married years – filled with so much joy.

We both know that losing you will probably be one of the most difficult things we will ever have to deal with……we both ache for you every day and you will always be a part of our family. I feel that this sadness has made us stronger which has surprised me as I have always felt that we were a very strong couple and have doubted that we could be any stronger than we already were. We both know now that we can deal with anything life has to throw at us now, we have already dealt with the worst.

We love you so much and will hold onto what little memories we have of you forever

Love and kisses

Mummy xXx

15th October 2004


Dearest Thomas,

We are thinking about you today on PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS
REMEMBRANCE DAY
and will be lighting a candle for you tonight and thinking about you and all your Angel friends.

We recieved a beautiful card from Koulla and Mark today and it touched us deeply, they have been such a wonderful support over the past months and Mummy and Daddy feel blessed to have such wonderful friends! Thankyou Mark and Koulla - Love you both loads!

Love you Thomas, to the moon and back baby boy - not a day passes when we don't think about you.

Lots of Love

Mummy and Daddy xXx

29th November 2004

* * * * * * * * Pregnancy and birth mentioned * * * * * * * *

Thomas,

You have a baby sister! Mummy was so scared to even mention here that she was pregnant again as she just never believed that she would have a baby to take home one day. It has been a very long, emotional journey but your little sister' Milly Ingrid Dixon ' was born on the 16th of November at 3:43am, weighing in at 8lbs 12ozs!…

Mummy and Daddy are so very happy! The 30 and ¾ hours of labour was worth it!. We can hardly believe that we are finally here and that we have our very own little baby to love, I honestly thought it would never be. It has all felt so bittersweet…and in a way even more painful emotionally now though knowing just what we lost when we lost you Thomas.

We are truly blessed to have such a beautiful baby sister for you and you will always be a part of our family. Pregnancy after a loss can be very difficult....but there is hope and I am now beginning to believe that dreams can come true.

We will always love you Thomas.....all the way to the moon.....and back!

Mummy & Daddy

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

25th December 2004

My darling Thomas,

Mummy can’t believe that Christmas is here already and feels very sad that we will be celebrating it this year without you. Your baby sister has brought us so much joy yet we still carry this deep ache for what we lost when you left us. We can’t believe that we will be standing beside a cold grave to wish our baby boy a Happy Christmas when we should have been taking you in our arms and cuddling you tight.

You would be almost ten months old now – probably crawling around and loving all the sparkliness this time of year brings – your first Christmas. We will be thankful for all that we have, especially Milly but it will be very bittersweet and difficult to not think about how it should have been.

We love you so much and will never forget…..

~ With each little twinkle...of each little light...Know that my love for you
will always shine bright.~



Love Mummy xXx

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s Stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear
And be glad I’m spending Christmas in Heaven this year.
I send you each a special gift from my home above
I send you each a memory of my underlying love,
After all “love” is the gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings or love he has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas in Heaven this year.


1st January 2005

One Year Anniversary

My darling Thomas,

I can hardly believe it has been a year since you so silently left our life. The worst and best year of my life, a year that began on such a sad note and has now ended on a far happier one with the arrival of your baby sister. A year where I was blessed with another pregnancy – but struggled through those nine long months, fearing that something would go wrong again and I would lose your baby brother or sister just as I had lost you.

Not wanting to forget anything this time around and trying to collect as many memories as possible, feeling guilty with hindsight that I hadn’t had the opportunity to do this with you. Feeling so much joy when your baby sister was born, but how bittersweet it was thinking of you and with every tiny thing Milly does, her first smile, her first step - I will be forever reminded of what I lost when you left us.

Thomas, I want you to know that though your baby sister is with us, you will never be replaced, you will never be forgotten. As long has Mummy has breath in her, no one will ever let your memory fade. You will always be my baby boy. You will always be in my heart. Sadly, so many seem to think that I should be ‘over’ you now that Milly is here – yes, her birth has brought us so much joy but such sad memories of when you were so quietly born.

I remember that night and the days that followed so vividly. The Doppler not picking up your little heartbeat. The long cold drive to Kirkwall to the maternity hospital for a scan, only to feel the doctors hand on my leg and ‘I’m Sorry’ break from his lips. The midwifes all crying. The sadness in your Daddy's eyes as he made those calls to our family and friends to tell them you were gone. The emergency flight to the maternity hospital, so noisy and cold…..how much I wanted to jump from that plane. Remembering that it had been almost a month ago to the day that Mummy had lost her best friend Ingrid to breast cancer and your movements inside my tummy comforting me at her funeral.

The long long night your Daddy and I were faced with when we arrived at the hospital, disbelieving, hoping, crying, clinging to eachother for strength and feeling the most unbearable sadness in the world. Those long hours I carried you inside me knowing you were already in Heaven. The fear that gripped me when they induced labour at 3pm on Hogmany. How the labour was long and painful but nothing could ever compare to the emotional pain of knowing that we would not be welcoming our sweet baby into our lives alive and well. You were stillborn on New Years Day at 8:31am and we named you 'Thomas'.

That moment you were born, no joy, no cry – just pain and silence – despondency filling the room like a black fog. It was at that very moment I made a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my days…I didn’t hold you, I am so sorry my sweet little boy. I am so sorry for not being strong enough to hold you in my arms and tell you how loved you are.

That still day of your funeral. The numbness and constant flow of tears. Mummy and Daddy's hearts broke that day; it was the most difficult thing we have ever had to do. Your coffin was so small - just like a shoebox.

I want you to know that no matter what the future holds for us we will always remember you…you will always be part of our family….


Love you to the moon……and back!

Mummy xXx

1st January 2005

The strangest thing happened this morning Thomas. I think that it was a very special message from you! A year ago today you were born into this world so silently and so still. We had planned to visit your grave first thing in the morning today - at exactly 8:31am we wanted to release your balloons - the time of your birth.

However, your baby sister Milly had been really unsettled the night before and we all needed to sleep a little longer, it was also still very dark and we wanted to wait until it became a little lighter....so we decided to come to visit you later in the day. Mummy put off the alrm clock after feeding Milly at 7ish and we all fell asleep again.

Milly woke Mummy and Daddy up a little later crying - she rarely cries....she usually just fusses....Mummy couldn't believe it when she looked at the clock and it was exactly 8:31am. Was this your message to us today Thomas? I can't help but feel that this was too strong an event to be just coincedence.

We all love you dearly...

Love Mumy xXx

2nd January 2005
Your grave with your new teddy, snowman and flowers
Your balloons as they float up with our special messages to you attached!
Climbing.....
Up.....up and away..................


Thomas,

We visited you yesterday and relesed some blue balloons for you...each had a tag attached with a message. It felt good to be able to do something to remember you and as we watched each balloon drift upwards I wondered how different things could have been.

We also put a new teddy bear and a little snowman with wings on your grave. I felt so sad standing there, remembering your tiny coffin and that cold still day of your service. I miss you my darling baby boy.....I feel so blessed to have your sister here with us - safe and warm but that will never take away the ache I carry for you.

Love you forever....

Mummy xXx

7th January 2005

Thomas,

Give Ingrid kiss from Mummy 'cos it's her birthday today and I miss her lots.

Love you my beautiful baby boy......

Mummy xXx

1st March 2005

My dearest Thomas,

Another one of the 'firsts' has passed us by - had you been born on your due date you would have been turning one now. A confusing time for Mummy and Daddy as your due date was the 29th of February - yet this year that day is not here - you are not here either and that makes me feel so sad.

Just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of and will never be far from our hearts or minds!

We love you so much....


Mummy xXx

6th March 2005

Mothers Day

I feel so very blessed to have your beautiful baby sister here with us today - it makes this day easier for Mummy.

We visited your grave today - wish you were here darling....we would all have so much fun together.

Love you Thomas

Mummy xXx


A Mother's Crown

Heaven lit up with His mighty presence,
as all the Angels looked down.
Today the Lord was placing the jewels
in all the mother's crowns.

As He held up a golden crown,
as all the mother's looked on.
He said in His gentle voice,
"I just want to explain each stone."

He held the first gem in His hand
but the radiance couldn't match His own.
For He was the light of Heaven,
reflecting off each of the stones.

"The first gem," He said, "is an emerald,
and it's for endurance alone,
for all the nights you waited up
for your children to come home.

For all the nights by their bedside,
you stayed till the fever went down.
For nursing every little wound,
I add this emerald to your crown."

"A ruby, I'll place by the emerald,
for leading your child in the right way.
For if you hadn't taught them about Me,
they wouldn't be here with you today.

For always being right there,
thru all life's important events.
I give you a sapphire stone,
for the time and love you spent."

"For untying the strings that held them,
when they grew up and left home.
I give you this one for courage."

Then the Lord added an amethyst stone.

"I'll place a stone of garnet," He said.
"For all the times you spent on your knees,
when you asked Me to take care of your children,
and then for having faith in Me."

"I have a pearl for every little sacrifice
that you made without them knowing.
For all the times you went without,
to keep them happy, healthy, and growing."

"And last of all I have a diamond,
the greatest of all gems,
for those mother's who lost their children
when they came home to heaven before them."

"This is the most precious sacrifice.
So I give them the most precious stone.
For I know just how you felt...
I too lost a child of My own."

After the Lord placed the last jewel in,
He said, "Heaven is now complete.
For every mother has her crown of jewels,
and all her children are at her feet."


~ Author unknown ~

15th May 2005

Thomas,

You have been on my mind today - you are never far from my heart and I often see things that remind me of you. I don't know why but I felt the need to listen to the song again, 'Fly' by Celine Dion. Those were the very first lyrics that came to us after you died. The hospital chaplain recited them in a small blessing for you. Listening to this song again made the tears flow. Oh how we miss you, our little man. We still try to visit your grave every weekend - we were there today and laid some lovely sea pinks that we put in a pot for you.

Milly is growing fast - she will be 6 months old tomorrow. You should be here with us, she should have her big brother here. Sometimes I feel so cheated. People have forgotten - we have Milly now - "get over it" Is it so wrong to simply just miss you?

I miss you little man and will never forget.

Love Mummy xXx

27th June 2005

Thomas,

Still holding you close wee man! Now and forever....

Love Mummy

xXx


----------------------------

Thankyou so so much to each and every person who has been here and left messages in our guestbook. It overwhelmes me to think that so many people have visited, so many who have themselves suffered thier own tragic losses. I would love to be able to reply to all of you - but just don't have the time. I do try to reply to as many as I can but just want those of you who haven't heard from me that you are very much in my thoughts and that your messages and kind words mean so much to us!

Almost 260 memorials ....... on the website now - 260 lost babies ..... so sad.

I feel so privileged that people have shared thier babies here and happy knowing I have been able to provide a place for them to memorialise thier little ones. Thankyou so much to all of you here who have added memorials to Thomas's website for your babies. They will never be forgotten......

Beautiful memories
Silently kept
of the babies' we loved
And will never forget

Love Vicky xXx

15th October 2005:

'International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day'

Almost a year on and Milly is blossoming. She is such a beautiful and happy baby. I watch her grow and develop with each passing day and often wonder if you would have taken your first steps at ten and a half months, would you have had the same chiming giggle that fills my heart with joy every time I hear it?

We still visit your grave as often as we can and think about you every day. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with Milly – I feel almost ‘normal’ again! Some days are more difficult than others are, just because I often feel guilty if I get stressed or upset with Milly. I lost a baby – how can I allow myself to feel this way? I should be happy. Oh, but I am happy – but I guess it will always be tainted with the bittersweet memories of you. the regrets and the ‘what could have been?’

People think that the arrival of a new baby after a loss is a miracle cure and you should instantly be ‘over it’. The reality of it is that I will never forget you Thomas, time may dull the pain but I will always feel the sadness of you not being here with me now.

There is life after loss – I would never have believed it in those long agonising days that followed your silent entry into this world; but here I am with your little sister, almost a year old already and left wondering how can time go by so fast?

Always remembering you my precious baby Thomas and keeping you in my heart forever.

Love you to the moon ..............and back!

Love Mummy

xXx

15th November 2005:

"Never Be Forgotten"

I’ll always see your face
The corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But If hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

~ Jessica Andrews ~

Thomas,

tommorrow your little sister Milly turns one....Oh, how I wish you had been with us for your 1st birthday little man. You are always with me, you must know you are. I just wish you were with us too.

Love you so very much....

Mummy xXx

29th November 2005:

Thomas, can you pass on some hugs and kisses to Ingrid from Mummy. It was two years ago today that she died and Mummy is thinking about her and missing her so very much.

Love you sweetie!

Mummy xXx

25th December 2005:


Merry Christmas sweet little boy
How we wish you were here to see all the beautiful decorations and celebrate this season with us. Thomas, you are always with us............we love you so much.

Love

Mummy, Daddy & your wee sister Milly!

xXx
30th December 2005:

.......that those awful words fell upon my ears.......

" I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat "

the memories are swimming round my head of everything that led up to the day you were born so quietly........

Love you Thomas

xXx

1st January 2006:

My Darling Thomas,

Two years have passed since that awful day I was told you were gone……..this should be your 2nd birthday, not another sad anniversary where we spend the day remembering all the events of January 1st 2004, a Year that was seen in with empty arms and broken hearts and ended so joyfully with the arrival of your baby sister.

Your baby sister is now one and has brought us so much happiness. She has helped me truly understand what we lost the day you were born so still. All the firsts, all the excitement of learning new things and watching her little personality grow each and every day. I am so very sad that we will never have these experiences with you Thomas.

Though the years pass the ache remains, people simply don’t understand. Now that we have your sister they assume that we have forgotten, moved on…..yes, we have moved on – life doesn’t stop for us but it will never ever mean that we move on without you. You were, are our baby, our child, our son and though you may not be here with us now you will never ever be forgotten. People don’t expect a parent or friend, who has died to be forgotten, so why should I not have the right to remember you? I know that you were not real to those around me, you were in my belly, I felt you move, I felt you respond to my touch. I felt the most intense love for you from the day I discovered I was pregnant. I planned a future for you, I planned my life with you……….they simply do not understand. When a child dies, a mothers love remains the same…..unbroken. The sad reality is that though we will not forget you we are 'learning to live' with the grief that still surfaces now and again - particularly at this time of the year.

~ Remembering Baby Thomas Dixon ~

Two years ago today, the 1st of January 2004 – you were born into our lives silently….no cry ever came from your mouth. We remember you today on what should be your second birthday little man.

We miss you so much Thomas and will never forget you.

Love you to the moon…………………..and back!

Mummy, Daddy

and

your baby sister Milly

xXx

As Long As Forever
Written By: James J. Metcalfe

I shall remember you for as long
As there are fields of snow,
And there are flowers in the ground
With strength to grow,
As long as there are stars above
And moonbeams on the sea,
And just as long as there are songs
Of love and memory.
I shall remember you today
And dream of you tonight,
And look for you tomorrow when
The sun begins to light.
Whatever season, month or year,
This much will be the same,
The only sound of joy will be
The mention of your name.
I shall remember you for as long
As there are earth and sky,
And all eternity
May take to say goodbye.

7th January 2006:

Thomas, please pass on some special kisses to Ingrid today - it's her birthday. Tell her Mummy misses her so very much.

Love

Mummy
xXx

26th January 2006:

Thinking about a very special girl and holding her family very close in thought as Ella's 2nd birthday arrives today.

Thomas, please give Ella some special kisses from your Mummy today!

Happy 2nd Birthday Ella Marie, you will always be close to my heart.

Love you to the moon.......................and back Thomas,

Love

Mummy xXx

09th February 2006:

Hello baby boy!

Mummy has launched her new business working from home....here's hoping this helps us a little!

We are hoping to get you a stone - we are so sorry it has taken us so long but promise that we will see that you get one soon!

Love you Thomas, as always!

Love

Mummy xXx

28th February 2006:

Thomas, you were due on a leap year!! The 29th February!! So although this date doesn't really exist I still feel sad at this time of the year - the what could have beens and all that.

I look at your sister now and know how blessed I am to have her - would she be here if you had lived? Probably not, and that's a hard one to swallow, I wouldn't want to give either of you up given the choice.

Thomas, I am thinking about you little man - you'll always be with us.

xXx

9th March 2006:

Dear Vicky,


We would like to thank you so much for allowing us to continue sharing your son's memory in our newsletter. You are such a wonderful mother to Thomas and we know that he is with you always. Please accept this award from us for appearing in our February 2005 newsletter as the Website of the Month!

Your son will never be forgotten

Blessings and Love Always,
Kacie Schleier, SGAL Founder
Chrissy Ellert, Graphic Specialist
26th March 2006: Mothers Day

Thomas, thinking of you today wee man! xXx
To the Mothers of Children Who Never Were Children

To the mothers of children who never were children,
Who died in the womb unnamed and unknown:
You also were mothers, albeit but briefly,
And loved with the love given mothers alone.
Yours was the stirring of life within life,
The being of being all one being knew,
The love of a love that knew only your love,
The world to a world that knew no world but you.
Yours the unspeakable pleasure of giving
Your substance to nurture the creature within;
Yours the inscrutable song of creation,
Bringing to being the dust of the wind.
Death is the end, but never the meaning;
Life is a gift, no matter how long.
You, too, are mothers, the bearers of beauty,
The icons of love to whom this day belongs.

Written by
Nicolas Gordon

29th November 2006:

Send special kisses to Ingrid for Mummy Thomas ~ I miss her so much. xXx

20th December 2006:

My darling Thomas, almost three years have passed by since that awful night we were told your tiny heart had stopped beating. Often it feels like only yesterday - the memories still remain, the heartache still lingers. Our lives has been filled with so much joy since the safe arrival of your baby sister in November 2004 yet you will never be forgotten. With every present we open, with every Carol we sing and every decoration we hang we will remember you and wish with every inch of our beings that you were here with us to celebrate another Christmas. A candle will burn for you little man.

Love Mummy, Daddy and you little Sister Milly xXx



snowmen for Thomas

With each little twinkle
of each little light,
Know that our love for you
will always shine bright.

25th December 2006:

Another Christmas Day is upon us wee man.......my little Thomas. I am thinking about you a lot and wishing with all my being that you were here with us to celebrate today, to open the presents with the same glee as your baby sister!

Sparkly snowflake for you Thomas

It seems so surreal to think that it has almost been three years since we lost you. Milly brings us so much joy but there are so many moments still where I feel the heavy sadness of knowing you're not here.

We Love you so much Thomas

xXx

1st January 2007:

Rest In Peace Little Man

(This is a photo I took of the Graveyard Thomas is buried in)

Words will go unspoken,
But there’s still many words to say,
We don't want people thinking we’d forgotten,
so here's something we want to say,
It's just, Happy Birthday sweetheart,
to a special little star,
We didn't want you thinking we'd forgotten,
no matter where you are,
We'll light a little candle, and think of you on your special day,
so here is a happy birthday sweetheart,
to a star Three years old today.

(poem adapted slightly - Author unknown)

In Loving memory of our precious baby boy
Born still
01/01/04

Happy 3rd Birthday Thomas
Love you to the Moon……and back!

Love

Mummy, Daddy
your Baby Sister Milly
xXx

15th October 2007:

Wishing everyone a very peaceful Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I have Thomas' candle lit in memory of all of our babies. Never forget our wee man!

Losing a child, know matter how small is the hardest thing any parent will ever have to face.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown


29th November 2007:

Ingrid - my beautiful brave friend who lost her batle to breast cancer 4 yrs ago today.

Thomas, my little man - be sure to send lots of kisses to Ingrid today from Mummy. Forever in my thought and very much missed.

Love Mummy xXx

25th December 2007:

So another Christmas is upon us - almost four years since we lost you Thomas. I can hardly believe so much time has passed by - yet at times it feels like only yesterday - memories of that day we were told you were gone remain so vivid in my mind.

We know that this year your little sister Milly will enjoy Christmas with much awe - I so wish you were here with us to open your presents and see all the sparkling lights....

Mummy is pregnant again with another baby brother or sister...it has felt so strange celebrating another Christmas pregnant - not much off the gestation I was with you - this little one is due in March and you were due at the end of February....it has brought back so many memories of when I carried you. We are just taking each and every day as it comes and praying that this little one comes home safe and sound with us. I know you are watching over us!

I miss you so much wee man.....you know you will always live on in our hearts.

Love Mummy xXx

Happy Christmas Thomas

28th December 2007:

Thinking about you lots today - don't know why but you are with me - in my heart. That all too familiar ache....

Love you and miss you wee man.

Love Mummy xXx

Thomas' stone

1st January 2008:

My wee man,

How can it be that four years have already passed since we said goodbye?.....so many things have changed in that time – your baby sister is now three years old and starting Nursery in a few days time. Mummy is pregnant again with another wee baby brother or sister for you and Milly....we moved house this year too, it felt strange leaving the home that carried so many memories of you.

Life does go on, so we are told and so we know but the feelings remain, that we will never forget you. You are and will always be a part of our family – no matter how many years pass by and how many changes each one brings. It’s true that the pain of us losing you becomes almost duller – not as sharp and unbearable as it was in those first few months after you died...more like an ache now, but with each passing anniversary we feel that pain again and the same old familiar questions spin around in my mind – what would have, could have, should have been had you stayed with us?

As we welcome in another new Year and the bells ring I will carry you with me in my heart once again – into another year full of changes but always remembering you my little man!

Happy 4th Birthday Thomas....Love you to the moon......and back!

Love Mummy, Daddy, Milly and Bump! xXx

15th October 2007:

Thinking of you today wee man......I haven't had the chance to update you website in a while as things have been so hectic - you have a new wee brother, Robbie, born on March the 18th 2008.

Watching him grow makes my heart realise just what we lost when we lost you. I could never have imagined that when we lost you we would go on to have two healthy children, I feel so blessed but we will never forget you.

Robbie looks so like you!

WAVE OF LIGHT 10-15-08 @ 7pm - In memory of all our lost little ones

Love Mummy, Daddy, Milly and Robbie! xXx

merry xmas

24th December 2008:

It's Christmas Eve little man - it's been such a long time since I have left a message or updated your site that I felt I should share parts of our Christmas newsletter here.

............................................................

Another busy year has passed and we hope that you have had a good 2008. Our year has been eventful and happy – we have lots of news to report!

The biggest item of news is the arrival of Robbie! Born on the 18th March, Robert George David Dixon has grown very fast and it is hard to remember a time when he was not part of the family. Robbie is a very different baby to Milly – he is a better sleeper, but he also thumps and bumps – he is very much a rough boy! He has dark hair, eyes and skin and people comment on how much he looks like his dad and how Milly looks like her Mum. He is now pulling himself up to stand at the edge, albeit precariously - of any solid item he finds! He moves around at the speed of light 'commando' style - not quite a crawl, in-between a crawl and a slide LOL! He can now say "Mama", "Dada" and "Tata" - he waves very enthusiastically to accompany this!

Milly LOVES Nursery and has come on leaps and bounds. She is very creative and loves stories and songs. She played Mary in the nativity play a few weeks ago (I must try to upload a video somewhere to share!), which we are charmed by – she sings her heart out!

Milly turned four this year and got a very special present for her birthday – two rabbits! Dandelion and Burdock are still babies, but are not the timid rabbits we expected. Instead they are bold and boisterous – they enjoy company and love playing with Milly. Unfortunately they also enjoy biting wires (I have already lost a computer mouse to them!) so we keep a close eye on them when they are in the house!

Work (www.enhance-me.com) has been extremely busy in the run up to Christmas hence my lack of posting here! I got a huge number of orders and to be honest it was so much trickier this year keeping on top of it all with the two wee ones! I redesigned my website this year with DHs help, and this seems to have increased interest. YAY!! I feel I am so lucky to be a WAHM but not an evening goes by where I am not working which can be a little tiring at times.

We are all looking forward to Christmas this year - Milly is ready to burst with excitement. We are sure that Robbie will enjoy bashing whatever Santa delivers.

We hope that you all have a joyful and peaceful Christmas and New Year ahead.
............................................

It is fast approaching your 5th Birthday/Anniversary My wee man - We will never forget you....I can't believe it has been five years.

For those of you who have anniversaries approaching or for those of you who have experienced a loss recently, I pray that the days are gentle on each one of you ((((HUG))))


Love from Mummy, Daddy, Milly and Robbie
xxxx

Seasons greetings

30th December 2008:

ON THIS DAY....5 years ago we experienced that awful moment - the lapse in time.....the horror and unbearable sadness that comes with being told "I am so sorry - There is no heartbeat"

Of course you weren't brought silently into our lives until New Years day but today is the beginning.....of the end. The beginning of the memories coming flooding back, it happened 5 years ago - yet I remember it as clearly as yesterday. I feel so removed from it all now though.....like it was another lifetime ago. The way I feel doesn't make any sense to me - to be able to remember everything so vividly yet feel such distance.

Thomas, my little man - you will always be in my heart xXx

1st January 2009:

Love in every tear

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!

Author Unknown 

Thinking of you little man on your 5th Birthday....

Love you to the moon.....and back!

Love Mummy, Daddy, Milly & Robbie xXx

 

We really appreciate you visiting Thomas's website.
We like to know who has taken the time to visit our precious little boy and would like to invite you to leave a message in Thomas's guestbook.
Just click on the link below!

February 23rd 2003 'Baby D' - Miscarraige 10 weeks pregnant

Thomas - January 1st 2004 8:31am - Born Still (31 1/4 wks)

"Fly, fly little wing - Fly beyond imagining"

Pregnant Again: Due - 4th November 2004....
'Please let us take this one home with us'

Miscarriage - Lost twin - 31st March 2004 at 9 weeks

~ Milly Ingrid Dixon ~

Born on the 16th November 2004, 3:43am - 8lbs 12ozs

A beautiful baby sister for Thomas!


Pregnant Again: Due - 24th March 2008....

~ Robert George Dixon ~

Born on the 18th March 2008 - 7lbs 15ozs

09/01/04
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20/02/04
The wee angel that Fiona sent.
Isn't it gorgeous?

20/02/04

29/02/04
Thomas's Due date
05/03/04
06/03/04
By listening to what young people can achieve in memory of their loss we can hopefully strive to inspire even more support. By looking forward to what medical research has and can achieve we can bring this time forward with your kind donations.
If you would like to support SANDS - Stillborn and Neonatal Death Society, you can by ordering a copy of Clarissa's CD. Just click on the button above.