| Mummy
remembers the day that she found out she was pregnant, the
25th of June 2003 - it was a very strange feeling of excitement
but tinged with a little fear and sadness because we had lost
a wee one before you but who was much younger than you are.
As the weeks passed our confidence grew - especially after
the first trimester - it was then that we felt we could begin
to anticipate your arrival and share our news with friends
and family.
The first weeks of pregnancy were not easy as Mummy suffered
from terrible morning sickness and was even signed off work
for two weeks! The weeks gradually passed, we collected lots
of tiny clothes, books and teddies for you, not yet knowing
if you were a girl or a boy. We ordered your buggy, Moses
basket; cot and bouncer chair from 'Babies 'R' Us' and began
to make plans to build a house. We went to our antenatal classes
every week on a Monday afternoon for four weeks. Daddy even
fell asleep in one and started groaning, much to Mummy's horror!
Mummy
left her work on December the 14th for her much anticipated
maternity leave. They gave her some beautiful presents for
you - some jumpsuits and a small teddy bear outfit that we
know you would have looked beautiful in. I remember that last
day of work because your movements had slowed down and I was
concerned - I called Daddy up at his work and he booked an
appointment for us to see the doctor when I got home. As soon
as the doctor put the Doppler to Mummy's tummy he picked up
your heart, beating loud & strong, we left the surgery on
a high - laughing at how silly we had been. Oh, if only we
knew.
On
the 30th of December Mummy and Daddy were sitting with their
friends whos' baby was due soon too - we had gone through
our pregnancies together anticipating that you and their wee
baby would grow up together and be great friends. Thier baby
moved and we very visibly saw him or her, (at that time not
knowing if they were expecting a girl or boy) kick and our
hearts sank with the realisation that you used to do that
- we became very concerned and very scared. We decided to
call the surgery and go in to hear your heartbeat - not for
one minute did we ever anticipate what was about to happen.
The
doctor became concerned after placing about three different
Doppler's to my stomach over the course of half an hour he
could not find your heartbeat. We were terrified, he suggested
that we wait until the next morning before we go to the hospital
as we live half an hour drive away and the roads were really
bad that night with ice and snow. We decided to go that night,
as we couldn't wait overnight at home in limbo, not knowing.
We arrived at the maternity unit where they performed a scan
- your tiny heart had stopped. At that moment in time I felt
like mine had too. We were flown that night with the clothes
we had on our backs and nothing more, to the maternity hospital.
When we arrived we were told that we would have to wait until
the morning, as they wanted to perform another scan.
Although
it was an agonisingly sleepless night we will always be grateful
for that scan as it was the first and only time your Mummy
got to see your beautiful face - and we will always have that
scan to treasure. At 3pm on Hogmany Mummy was induced with
tablets - the labour was long and painful but nothing can
compare to the emotional pain of knowing that we would not
be welcoming you into our lives alive and well. You were stillborn
on New Years Day at 8:31am and we named you 'Thomas'. Mummy
and Daddy wish we had done things differently in hindsight.
We feel so guilty and devastated as we feel as if we have
rejected you and by far our biggest regret is that we didn't
hold you. Mummy had been awake for almost 30 hours, 18 of
which she was in labour and was emotionally and physically
exhausted - not to mention the effects of the morphine and
gas and air. She wasn't thinking straight. All I saw of you
and my lasting memory will be the midwife picking you up in
a blanket - I saw the back of your tiny head and your perfect
legs, feet and toes. Daddy watched the birth and saw you completely
and says you were just absolutely perfect - a beautiful wee
boy. We feel so sad.
We
will never have the chance to hold you or introduce you to
any of your friends or family, you are gone. You were 31 ¼
weeks-gestational age and as yet we don't know what caused
you to die. They are performing tests and we will get results
in about 10 weeks. We have the scan of you, which is beautiful,
you had passed away by the time the Ultrasound was performed
and you look so peaceful, just like you are asleep. They took
your hand and footprint and gave us the shawl and hat you
were dressed in after you were born. They also gave us two
small teddy bears, one, which we sprayed with my perfume so
you could smell your Mummy and it was laid with you and will
be with you in your coffin.
Thomas
- Mummy and Daddy will never forget you - you will always
be with us, in our hearts. The whole thing seems even crueler
that it had to be the beginning of a New Year - a year that
so many plans had been made for, so many hopes and anticipation's
of what lay ahead completely shattered.
- We Love you -
"A
person is a person no matter how small."
Dr. Seuss |
